Marriages can look very different. This is because each union is between unique personalities. You have heard that opposites attract. That is true for some. Others are comforted by common proclivities or interests. Some are loud, some are quiet. Some are voluble, some are taciturn. Some may exhibit great passion, where the emotions of others resemble a placid body of water.
These differences have little to do with the success or failure of any marriage. Likewise, it does not determine the effectiveness of parenting. None of this is “one size fits all,” and those who so claim need to be carefully examined before any advice is accepted and implemented.
Speaking spiritually, however, there are a few things that MUST be present in order for a marriage to be what pleases God. These will keep any of our individual tendencies from becoming destructive to our relationships with one another. It will keep the differences from becoming divisions. It will keep the agreements from becoming ungodly preference. It will keep the noise or lack thereof from becoming oppressive or depressing. It will cause a talkative spouse to watch their words, or a reticent one to become completely uncommunicative. Consider the following:
Before all else must be a complete devotion to God. As Christians, we must know and teach this to our children. You want to marry, man or woman, a partner who will help you get to heaven, and help your children to get there as well. Put simply, a man might have wonderful characteristics and attributes. He might be kind, handsome, hard-working, sensitive, family oriented, and any other characteristic you deem important. If he puts anyone or anything (including you) before his God, he can’t be a successful husband or father. This is because our relationship to God “is man’s all.”
The same is true with a potential wife. This is why Peter wrote to wives of the need for submission and chaste conduct, and added, “Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God” (1 Peter 3:3-4).
This is why good Christian parents are so insistent in warning their children about who they date. It is why it is dangerous and potentially sinful for a young person to declare their everlasting devotion to one who will be a constant stumbling block to the efforts to serve God and go to heaven.
Love is also needed. If that sounds obvious, it is not! We are not talking about affection. We are not talking about “falling in love.” We are not talking about physical attraction. We are talking about the same love that caused God to send His Son to a lost and rebellious world. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life” (John 3:16).
In fact, it is this kind of love that is enjoined upon the man in Ephesians 5. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church…” (Ephesians 5:25). This love is the product of spiritual maturity. It is not the first inclination of a man. It is selfless, giving and thoughtful. It means to put first the needs and desires of both their wife and family. It means to sacrifice self, sublimating one’s own preferences or wants to ensure the welfare of another or others. Though many things are needed for the man, this is the one that gets the fullest consideration in all of scripture. It stands to reason that such love is needed for the woman as well. However, because of the Divinely ordained position of the man in the home, it is catastrophic if it is sadly lacking in him.
Which leads to the idea of each spouse acknowledging and accepting their place in the home. The man is to be the head, the woman to be in submission. This is order. It is what God wants. It is to be respected. This does not allow for either to abdicate their responsibilities before God. It does not allow for a “switching” of roles. It does not allow for personal preference. “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body” (Ephesians 5:22-23).
Books could be written about how to make a marriage strong. These two are non-negotiable, as they are from God. One other that is important, though seldom addressed. It is in the marriage that God ordained sexual activity to be good and righteous (cf. Hebrews 13:4).
This means two things. Extramarital sex is sinful, and adultery is the one cause that would allow a marriage to end, and the innocent party to remarry (cf. Matthew 19:9). Also, sex is important in the marriage relationship. Paul acknowledged this when he wrote, “Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:5). Sex should never become a weapon in the husband/wife relationship. It is an expression of devotion and love, and is an important an unique part of the marriage relationship.
Many of the aspects of the marriage relationship are optional. But where God has spoken of the covenant, His words must be respected. Best of all, God knows best!
